One of Those Moments.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like you just wanna fight? You just want to scream and have an attitude? I think I'm having one of those hours. They suck. The worst part is the unrequited belligerence. The feeling of wanting to be upset, but being left alone to wallow in the temporarily seemingly important insignificant details and the ever so energetic instigating imagination. What is a girl to do. No games, just be honest about emotions and feelings. Acknowledge the issue only. For tonight, let it go. Don't sweep it under the rug. But tonight enjoy the sleep.

Where Did You Learn That?

I don't know where she learns the awesome things that she does, but my daughter is a genious. Yesterday she was asking how to spell "bun". We asked "bun? Like hamburger bun?" After that she asked about lettuce and meat. When asked what she was doing, she replied "taking an order". As I watched her forming her letters, it finally hit me! I knew she knew how to write her name and mom and dad and love. but watching her form her letter T, it hit me, she knows how to write her alphabet. Not that I didn't know she could write literally a,b, and c, but up to T! I just hadn't put all the beautiful puzzle pieces together. My darling, genious Bella.

Today was amazing!

Simply said, we celebrated our 5 year anniversary today. it was amazing. we were surrounded with the best of friends and most serene environment in all of riverside county. two lovers. 5 years. 5 hours. 4 friends. One memorable day.

Just What I Needed

I woke up much too late. At 1 PM exactly. didn't sleep until 6 AM. I drove down to help Chris at his work. Didn't leave til 3 AM. Bella was with her Nana. And having the next day off allowed me to act careless. Wayne's world entertained me if I could pull away from Breaking Dawn. I woke up thismorning to find that Bella wanted to stay. So we relaxed. I read and lounged about in robe til I time ran out. It was incredible I told Chris that I felt like it used to feel when we first started dating. We relaxed and cuddled and flirted and play fought. We ate Philly's Best and stopped at a park so I could take pictures of a treer for my homework. When I picked up Bella. She was cuter than ever. She had a frilly pink skirt that reminded me of a ballerina. She colored and sang to yeah yeah yeahs and played Cake Mania. Her wit and intelligence is nothing short of entertaining and unspeakably impressive. I could watch her all day and be mesmerized each second that passed. She fell asleep and I finished the Breaking Dawn. I feel so incredibly relaxed and grateful for this day. Nothing particularly special, but blessedin every way. If I could only get to sleep so i could prepare myself for my work day.... ewww

i just have to say

you've been really attached to stuffed animals and dolls lately. right now you're cuddling the brown teddy bear that Nana gave you for Valentine's day. it's got to be the best thing to ever lay eyes on. sleep tight gracie lou who

I Probably Won't Mean This Tomorrow

I am so angry with you right now. I hate sleeping angry. It's the worst feeling. Like unresolved issues making me scream to myself all the things want to scream at you. I try to be the bigger person, so I walk away. Storm off. Slam doors. Curse more than usual. How can I say anything to you right now. Your head is in our fucking toilet. Our fucking toilet. Is this how you like to see yourself? Could you think that I could have anything other than disgust when looking at you in this position, in your self-made situation? So much of your time is wasted and how you could apply it! But you don't. And I don't make you. The things for me we could do. The things I ask of you. Hopefully the things you would want to do for yourself. I am angry with you right now. So upset. And for all I know this could blow over tomorrow and I could reread this and not fathom how I could say such things. But not right now. At this moment I am disgusted, tired, and going to bed angry.

Something Old and Something New

So here is my lovely new camera. Nothing too crazy. 35mm Nikon N60. Got it from ebay for 50 and have loved taking pictures with it... even if I'm not sure if they look good. Which means photography class and altogether, school. Finding money for books. Rearranging my schedule. Missing my baby. Having less time. I'm excited to go back to school though. Whoa! Got lots to worry about in the next couple of weeks.

I needed to mention some of Bella's awesome things she's been saying:
Lady Goggles (instead of GaGa)
I tell her she's the coolest thing since sliced bread..."license bread?" ... "no honey, sliiiced bread".... "sliced bread?"...."yes"...."still sounds like license to me"
Today she cleaned the room and made the bed for Beccalynn and absolutely had to show her. She tells me "they're gonna be so happy when they see the room".
She asked what the words hot and cold meant from her favorite Katy Perry song. I explained to her they were oppsoites and she pauses and with happiness says "thank you mommy". There is soo much to enjoy from her company.