I don't want to be fat anymore.

It's so hard to say. I do love myself and do believe I am beautiful although I don't look ideal to most people. But I have decided to not be fat anymore. I feel different about it this time. Instead of thinking about my disclosures for when I don't succeed and say "I'm not trying to lose a certain amount, just be healthy." Well fuck that! I want a goal and I want to know what all this pain is for and focus in on the things I want. I want to be fit. I have never stuck to any diet or lost more than a few pounds. I know I can do it, so why not really try. I recently started doing a little yoga and it was incredible. I loved it from the first time I did it. I had never really worked out so it was something new and totally relaxing. Soon after I stopped doing my yoga I decided to give water and eating slower a good try. I started by having a glass of water before my meal and eating the meal slowly... 20 chews per bite to be exact. I was very pleased at the difference it made on my appetite. Thrilled at how I could have better control of my appetite, I went for my all time goal... DRINK MORE WATER! NEVER have I been a water drinker. Always a dark sugar-rich soda knid of gal. So there I was drinking 64 oz of water at least. I was really proud seeing as how it's always on my on New Years resolution to drink more water (and clean more often and efficiently...uh hm that'll be another day). I remember how wonderful it was when I actually drank soda and finally saw what others did when they said it's too sweet. My birthday, one week ago, Chris giot me the Wii fit. Here we are, no excuses, a wonderful investment and way to accomplish this goal. I am excited to do it. I am 22 years old. I am 5'2. I weigh 230 punds...but not for long.

Counting Those Blessings

This is the face she makes when I approve her request to watch The Holiday (I vetoed her stating in the den watching Life With Derek). Such a cutie. She's currently playing this game where she squeezes me so tight and says "I just loooo-ooove you!" and she keeps giving me long kisses on the cheek and saying "HAMBURGER SQUEEZE." Hamburger squueze is something Bella, Chris, and I do where she's the hamburger asnd we're the buns and on the count of three we squeeze tight and say "hamburger squeeze!" Talk about the best game EVER! I'm not sure what she likes about The Holiday but she loves that movie and asks to watch it quite often. Just a second ago she's like "Why are you getting far from me (trying pull me closer). Best night ever!

Of Great Things to Come

Each day I am filled with more pride than ever humanly allowed. This is a picture Bella colored. My sister drew the heart and my 2 year old colored it. I canot believe how talented she is. She picks up on everything and delivers with such sass and personality it's truly her own style. Aghhh I am so lucky.

Another Blessed Day

Today started out rather well. I woke up and stayed up, as oppsosed to the normal snooze-cuddle in bed routine. I hopped in the shower and headed out to Starbucks for the coffee I so need in the morning. I was able to use a gift card which is so awesome. While waiting for my macchiato I sat next to what appeared to be a father and son just sitting down having a coffee and a pastry. It really made me happy to see them just talkingin the early morning. I could just imagine how wonderful it is to sit and social with your parent in the morning light. Watching those little bits of everyday gestures hits a spot in my heart for humanity. Happiness may really be that contagious.

A Tear to My Eye

We have a bedtime schedule. Sometimes we stray from it, but it's definitely our routine. It's bathtime after dinner. This is always followed by 2 books of reading (more recently one book of reading and her reading me each page from Mother Goose). After the two books I state that it's lights out time. She doesn't hesitate or resist. Then we lay in the bed and say our prayers. Prayers start with the sign of the cross. I say think about your day and thank God for all of the wonderful things that have happened guiding her to touch bases on family and people's kindness. We move into a very general "please bless all" and we pray for those with no family, food, place to live, people to love them, and the sick. Then I say I"ll do my prayers which is wen she turns around and cuddles me tight while I say the Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be. Sfter I say these we ask God to bless us, our family, and everyone through the night and pray for a wonderful day tomorrow. It ends with "In Jesus's name we pray. Amen." Tonight I said "Our Father....(she cont'd) who art in heaven.... and for the first half of the prayer she knew which lines followed what I lead with. There is this indescribable feeling that sinks in my entire core and I can't do anything, the pride and amazement paralyze me. She didn't enunciate the words, but that makes absolutely no difference, she knows her Our Father. There are may times when I feel like there is so much more I can do or she learns bad habits from me or she learns new cool things all over the place that leave everyone saying "aww... where'd you learn that". The fact that I stuck to our routine and said prayers with her every night, even if just that, has seen a wonderful result... I've taught my daughter the Our Father. I feel so satisfied and thankful. Thank you God.

The Change Ahead

So many times do I say how a change is needed and time management and balance. But I decided to be positive and set short term goals instead talking about all the mistakes I made. I was quite sad the other day when I had woken up at the time I was supposed to be clocking in for work. I hate that I need 8 hours of sleep after going to sleep at 2 a.m. I had done so well the last week with not being late to work that I was disappointed in my tardiness. But rather than beat myself up, remind myself each day that I know I can fall into the routine that I want and doing one thing right today will make such a big effect. So being game night tonight, things always run late. So here I am getting to bed and telling myself that although I love these little late night blogs, I hope the proceeding will be earlier. Hopefully no more late nights. To bed I am off and looking forward to tomorrow's day of a small stroke to a big picture. good night.

I am a happy person.

I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes each person happy, but i know for sure what i have works for me. Here I am, no pounds lighter, no earlier time in bad, and still BARELY making it check to check. But although these are things I wish to change, I am so incredibly grateful for the wonderful things that have remained constant in my life. I still have the unyielding support and enthusiasm from those closest to me. They remind me of the beauty that still exists today althoug it's hard to find. Today while going over money issues with Chris he reassured me that everything is gonna be okay. In those moments when I fail to see the positive, those who care are there to push me through and remind me of the greatness ahead. On a different note, today I was so out of it and left to work without my wallet. There I was at ampm desperately needing gas and having no money for it. I caled my dad and asked him to come 30 min away to help me. No hesitation and not too much apparent disappointment, a short while later there he and my mom were. I am so lucky to be able to, although I shouldn't, make mistakes and have such a strong support system to bail me out when I need. Thank you all.