My Princess

I haven't blogged in a while... I never can get it together with this blogging. we got a puppy a week ago and today he ran away. Bella is really sad. I'm not sure how to cheer her up. I've been really busy and tonight cuddling her and reading a book is the highlight of my day. monday morning we're on schedule

Good Night

Tonight I will sleep to my paul Mckenna. I will not think of my fears as I sleep. For tonight, I will not think of the things I cannot control that scare me. Tonight I am in control.

When the Morning Comes

I won't remember feeling this. It's foreign and cold. Confusing. I'm perplexed at what's being said and hurt by the way I'm spoken to. Alien. The form is the same, but the life seems almost different. I accept this incompletion. It's much too late and morning is almost here.

Time With Her

I'm soo enjoying spending the day with Bella. we're currently enjoying Fruyu!

Happy Birthday Court!

Today is Court's 21st Birthday. Having a fabulous time at BJs. I love my relationship with my 2 new official sisters. It's sooo awesome being referred to as their sister and as an official member of the family. Oh, I was married 2 days ago to the most amazing man in the world, my best friend.

Some Good Grub

My HUSBAND and I eating at Johnny's Burgers about to enjoy a yummy patty melt. Being in love rocks!

Ghetto

I hit my sideview mirror against my gate. Now Blanca, my car, is looking ghetto with this duct tape band aid. Damn it!

To Do List for Today

Today I have things to do. Oh how I wish I could just sit at home and not run off a time schedule. yea right. I love running errands. so today I have to call the clerk's office, balance my checkbook, pay my bills, run to wal mart, and play with bella. and my cut off time 11:45 am... yea right

One of Those Moments.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like you just wanna fight? You just want to scream and have an attitude? I think I'm having one of those hours. They suck. The worst part is the unrequited belligerence. The feeling of wanting to be upset, but being left alone to wallow in the temporarily seemingly important insignificant details and the ever so energetic instigating imagination. What is a girl to do. No games, just be honest about emotions and feelings. Acknowledge the issue only. For tonight, let it go. Don't sweep it under the rug. But tonight enjoy the sleep.

Where Did You Learn That?

I don't know where she learns the awesome things that she does, but my daughter is a genious. Yesterday she was asking how to spell "bun". We asked "bun? Like hamburger bun?" After that she asked about lettuce and meat. When asked what she was doing, she replied "taking an order". As I watched her forming her letters, it finally hit me! I knew she knew how to write her name and mom and dad and love. but watching her form her letter T, it hit me, she knows how to write her alphabet. Not that I didn't know she could write literally a,b, and c, but up to T! I just hadn't put all the beautiful puzzle pieces together. My darling, genious Bella.

Today was amazing!

Simply said, we celebrated our 5 year anniversary today. it was amazing. we were surrounded with the best of friends and most serene environment in all of riverside county. two lovers. 5 years. 5 hours. 4 friends. One memorable day.

Just What I Needed

I woke up much too late. At 1 PM exactly. didn't sleep until 6 AM. I drove down to help Chris at his work. Didn't leave til 3 AM. Bella was with her Nana. And having the next day off allowed me to act careless. Wayne's world entertained me if I could pull away from Breaking Dawn. I woke up thismorning to find that Bella wanted to stay. So we relaxed. I read and lounged about in robe til I time ran out. It was incredible I told Chris that I felt like it used to feel when we first started dating. We relaxed and cuddled and flirted and play fought. We ate Philly's Best and stopped at a park so I could take pictures of a treer for my homework. When I picked up Bella. She was cuter than ever. She had a frilly pink skirt that reminded me of a ballerina. She colored and sang to yeah yeah yeahs and played Cake Mania. Her wit and intelligence is nothing short of entertaining and unspeakably impressive. I could watch her all day and be mesmerized each second that passed. She fell asleep and I finished the Breaking Dawn. I feel so incredibly relaxed and grateful for this day. Nothing particularly special, but blessedin every way. If I could only get to sleep so i could prepare myself for my work day.... ewww

i just have to say

you've been really attached to stuffed animals and dolls lately. right now you're cuddling the brown teddy bear that Nana gave you for Valentine's day. it's got to be the best thing to ever lay eyes on. sleep tight gracie lou who

I Probably Won't Mean This Tomorrow

I am so angry with you right now. I hate sleeping angry. It's the worst feeling. Like unresolved issues making me scream to myself all the things want to scream at you. I try to be the bigger person, so I walk away. Storm off. Slam doors. Curse more than usual. How can I say anything to you right now. Your head is in our fucking toilet. Our fucking toilet. Is this how you like to see yourself? Could you think that I could have anything other than disgust when looking at you in this position, in your self-made situation? So much of your time is wasted and how you could apply it! But you don't. And I don't make you. The things for me we could do. The things I ask of you. Hopefully the things you would want to do for yourself. I am angry with you right now. So upset. And for all I know this could blow over tomorrow and I could reread this and not fathom how I could say such things. But not right now. At this moment I am disgusted, tired, and going to bed angry.

Something Old and Something New

So here is my lovely new camera. Nothing too crazy. 35mm Nikon N60. Got it from ebay for 50 and have loved taking pictures with it... even if I'm not sure if they look good. Which means photography class and altogether, school. Finding money for books. Rearranging my schedule. Missing my baby. Having less time. I'm excited to go back to school though. Whoa! Got lots to worry about in the next couple of weeks.

I needed to mention some of Bella's awesome things she's been saying:
Lady Goggles (instead of GaGa)
I tell her she's the coolest thing since sliced bread..."license bread?" ... "no honey, sliiiced bread".... "sliced bread?"...."yes"...."still sounds like license to me"
Today she cleaned the room and made the bed for Beccalynn and absolutely had to show her. She tells me "they're gonna be so happy when they see the room".
She asked what the words hot and cold meant from her favorite Katy Perry song. I explained to her they were oppsoites and she pauses and with happiness says "thank you mommy". There is soo much to enjoy from her company.

I love being a mom...

I love being a mom. It's by far the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. It all feels right. I couldn't imagine sleeping in and doing thingsjust for me. How unfulfilling would that be for me... Not after I've seen the awesomeness of my child wanting me (never daddy) to get her cereal in the morning (though on some occasions I would just like to roll over and sleep...which I allow myself). I don't have the right answers and for the most part I should do things a lot more better. But I believe there are different types of mom's. I find that most of the time I am on the affectionate side of the spectrum. There are those who govern by schedules and not spoiling. With the exception of discline, I am all about the love. Telling her a bagillion times a day how much I love my daughter. I don't like when she cries and for the most part have a lot of patience. We're very playful wih eachother. I don't mind if she's clingy to me most of the time. It was a little difficult earlier when she was sprawled all over my lap when I was trying to fold laundry. I don't know what's best. We have a pretty okay schedule. She eats pretty good in all parts of the pyramid. She's smart, and when not in a sassy mood, very polite. We love eacother very much and enjoy being with eachother. Here she is, lying next to me asleep in my (our) bed half past ten. We'll work on getting her into bed earlier tomorrow. For tonight I just wanna cuddle.

Up a little too late

I was looking a the elsie blog and saw this thing about polaroiding your digital pics. I loooved it. I love pictures the way polaroids look. But, as with most things, I see it then get so addicted to it and from there organize my pictures and poladroid the shit out of some, edit a few, learn about vignetting, upload to flickr, change my myspace default pic... a huge time consuming, fun, and addicting avalanche of picture stuff.
So, I'm in bed much much too late. It's quite disappointing. And then jumped on my Wii fit to weigh myself, not happy there I tell you. But I am going to be patient, I'm working on changes. And generally I am the type of person who doesn't fail at what I work on and sometimes flourishes at things I don't try. So tonight may be alow night, but I did get to enjoy the cable we pay for and don't really use... man do I love game shows. Tonight watched Cash Cab, Jeopardy, Family Feud, and Dog the Bounty Hunter. I seem lame, huh? Oh well. It felt good!
Today Bella was extra cute and colored a picture the somehow found tape and hung it on the wall. Oh and she typed the word dad in the addres bar. I've been trying to show her basic words. But with this technology, we are practincing on my phone.
I was proud to be on time today, especially because I opened.
I was disappointed in giving my supervisor a mean look when he nicely asked me to do something. It was a long, disrespectful glare rightin front of a customer! I felt bad immediately afterwards.
I smoked 8 cigarettes today.
Off to the hypnosis track.... good night.

Tonight...

I had a great day. We cleaned the shed and got out old scrapbooks. Bella hasd a doctor's appointment, she's all better. The day was evetful, but relaxing. Tonight, she learned to unlock my phone and said some real cute stuff, as always. She did such a great job with her prayers, pronouncing each word perfectly and eagerly following along and repeating. Then she asks if she can sing a song to herself.... he song of choice... "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. This girl is something else. Oh and now she is makng up her fabulous song... I'm so lucky.

There's Change to Come

I am quite excited about my decision to change my life for the better. Currently, I am working on quitting smoking. There are ups and downs, but nonetheless, progress. But more recently, I am working on changing my eating patterns. I watched the "I Can Make You Thin" episodes on TV and enjoyed the feeling of being able to eat only a quarter of what I normally would. I felt comfortable and satisfied after eating. I couldn't finish the series because my dad erased them. I decided to buy the book and finished it in just one day. So this is day one! I feel great today and am even listening to the hynosis CD... yeah pretty wierd but definitely doesn't hurt to try. Today is going well so far. And this beautiful tumbler was a gift from my sister and I am enjoying drinking water and have so far not felt the need to drink soda. I am have nothing to lose but weight, so why not?

I hope for a great day tomorrow.

I lay here in bed, hoping to sleep well tonight and wake up early tomorrow. I hope that I can enjoy my morning coffee and hopefully jump on my wii fit. And get ready and have a great productive day tomorrow. Because on Friday I hope to sit and home and relax with Bella. Really just sit and relax. Hopefully go the park and maybe take a walk and run to the grocery store. We'll watch movies and scrapbook. I can't wait!

Bella moment: She somehow knows a couple of Britney Spears songs and likes dancing to them.
Regret: Being 7 mins late to work and being the one with keys.
Happy: I got to hang out with Court and Cait.
News: Erica is preggo! I'm so excited for her!
Remember: schedule Bella a dental appt

Happy New Years

This is how I spent my New Year. There we were in Kaiser waiting for them to admit Bella. It had been a long day of complete bullshit but eventually had the promise of a rather ejoyable New Years celebration with family. I started off the day tip top. I was on time for work and was feeling calm and not rushed. (It's amazing the way leaving on time makes all the lights turn green...vice versa). But I waslked in to find my work was robbed. We were not gonna get paid for our full hours that day and that we would have to work extra extra hard to catch up with the asset and productivity damage this caused. I went home to find my daughter weezing and coughing. A call to med-advice sent me to the pediatrician who thought she had bronchitis who sent me to the pharmacy. After taking the meds, the weezing as worse. We took her to ER where we happened to look at the clock at 11:59 and wish eachother a Happy New Year. Aside from the heartbreak of her being sick and watching her go through pain, i complain none about being by her side while she gets better.